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December, 2013

10 Books You Didn’t Know About Me

By December 15, 2013 Korey's Real Life, Writing Diatribes

Alright, so I got tagged by a couple of people in a little facebook sort of chain letter that was really cool. The idea was this: list 10 books that impacted you in some way. You weren’t supposed to think very hard on this, but let’s face it, I spent the next week wondering what I’d put on my list. The idea on facebook is that you didn’t have to explain why certain books made your list, you just listed them out and let people read into it what they will. Anyway, thank you so much for tagging me, Constance Masters (and Mary Sue Wehr for putting me on your list, as well. You two gals are the sweetest things, and I’m so flattered that you mentioned my books)!

Anywhoo, I didn’t want to do a facebook post on this without an explanation (because then it’d be a LONG status update), because it made me flashback to college when everybody was claiming their favorite book was “Dante’s Inferno” in this name-excessive on the first day. When it came to me, I said, “My name is Korey and–without a doubt–The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” People bawked and started laughing and I shrugged and leaned back, continuing, “Well, really just up to the forth. For some reason ‘Mostly Human’ was hard to get through. I think Restaurant at the End of the Galaxy stood above the rest…” People thought I was an idiot for a couple of days for it. One’s favorite book is a very personal thing that I think says a lot about someone, but the reason behind why someone likes a particular book can’t be lost to translation.

Anyway, Natasha Knight is way smarter than me, because obviously she was thinking the same thing (about wanting to explain her list, for some reason HGTTG didn’t make her list, but I like to think that’s because she hasn’t read it yet…) Anyway, Natasha had the idea of not just making a facebook post, but making it a whole blog post. So, as you can see, I’m totally stealing her idea. She’s pretty cool though, so I think she’ll forgive me for blatantly copying her. 😉

And because I never use 5 words when I could use 50, mine’s super-duper long. Sorry ’bout that. 😉

 The Paperbag Princess by Robert Munsch

The_Paper_Bag_PrincessThis was one of those books that my mother gave me, hoping to turn me into a feminist warrior princess. I have to say, that no other children’s book hit me that hard. It was great, I liked it, it does have a feminist message, but it was there that I understood what I wanted in a man. From there, I knew how to write book heroes. I also knew that the best female heroines are strong, savy, but they can be multi-layered. Anyway; strangely it taught me a lot about characterization at a young age–which was handy because I was already writing books and fan-fictions since I was five–but it also taught me that men are supposed to value, respect, and honor a woman, and fuck them if they don’t.

the-adventures-of-tom-sawyerTom Sawyer by Mark Twain

This book mostly taught me about high-jinks and putting blatant sarcasm into any novel and it go over well. Huckleberry Finn didn’t strike me the same way, because it’s not my writing style. I find first-person narrative to be extremely, extremely difficult. The third-person narrative with a sense of humor, though, I can get behind and always try to emulate.

Paradise-Lost-Book-Cover-e1328817248834Paradise Lost by John Milton

This is the type of book that makes you need to change your pants. It’s so beyond the skill level of anyone who’s lived in the last three-hundred years that it’s like it was written by a supernatural being. That being said, I wrote all over my edition, and that’s even when my copy had 1 inch of text and 10 inches of footers under it. It actually helped me back on course in my personal religious journey. I found it was the first time my puny mind could even pin-prick the idea of the omniscient, and the idea of God’s love and sacrifice and relationship towards us as his creation, and giving even Lucifer a strange sort of role that made you somewhat understand how evil could have been born in the world. I’m not saying I believe it verbatim or anything, but it’s a book that made me consider the fact that I might not know shit from shinola about anything. I had to question everything. It nearly made my brain explode. This book is a masterpiece.

1953A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

This is one of those books that I liked, then I hated, then I loved, all through the coarse of the first-reading of it. I actually had to read this as an assignment when I was fifteen, and it’s the first book that I read where I read a line that made me stand up, scream, “Holy Shit!” and the run through the house, wondering where my sanity went. I felt like Charles Dickens himself came up about 4/5ths of the way through the book and hit me with a cricket bat. I mean, the story and character weaving is on a whole different level! It seemed too complex to get, and then everything just fell beautifully into place, and it was just jaw-dropping.

pride-and-prejudicePride and Prejudice by Jane Austin

Call it tripe if you wish–I know I keep calling it trip, myself–but I keep re-reading the book over and over and over. There’s head-hoping, the plotting’s a little sloppy, but damn it, does she (Jane Austin) know how to write characters. They don’t do a whole lot in the book except chat and drink tea, and I still love the hell out of it. It’s funny, sarcastic, but utterly wonderful. I love happy-sighing when I’m reading.

Lost WorldThe Lost World by Michael Crichton

I’ve re-read this every five years or so. I know, it might seem like a random choice, but hear me out–I love being fed random facts about science, history, nature, or anything else, while still being delighted with a fast-moving plot, excellent characters with great dynamics, witty banter, great villains, all by an author with great imagination. It’s like eating candy while it still being good for you. It gives me excellent brain-fodder and also sparks my desire to go out and learn and research new things. That, and I like Ian Malcolm. A lot.

11The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

You might have known this one was coming. I could really wax poetic about Douglas Adams all day long, but here’s the gist–the guy is like the superman of English sarcasm. Sometimes he makes me laugh so hard I feel like I’m gonna pee. That being said, my fascination goes deeper than that–he makes delicious characters and humorous dialogue in his characters, but his narrator’s always second to none. Dirk Gently and the Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul is also fabulous. He has great pacing, fantastic imagination, and puts a million one-liner jokes in every book. I feel he showed me the way when it comes to dialogue… Not that I’m anywhere in the ballpark, but I’d REALLY like to be in that ballpark before I die.

0002_camus_albert_el_extranjero_05The Stranger by Albert Camus

I haven’t read this in a long time, but I remember how deeply it touched me when I read it. This was another assignment-read, I grant you, but I’m glad he assigned it. It was part of this unit on existentialism, and I think a companion read to this would be Camus’ essay on The Myth of Sisyphus which basically says the same thing without putting its reader into a depression. Essentially it’s about this complete sociopath that can’t feel attachment to anyone–he is an innocent product of the world who can only feel with his body; he doesn’t seem to care about anything or have a soul. What got me crying for two days straight is that at the end of the book, I felt like the loss of hope was the loss of existence. Hope is the guiding light of everybody’s life. Hope is what presses us forward… Anyway, it really touched me to the bottom of my heart and I was filled with so much compassion for him. It sort of changed the way I view people and how I judge people as well.

The Aubrey/Maturin Series by Patrick O’Brian

Patrick_O_Brian_Post_Captain

I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t put a whole series in there, Korey. Jesus! Didn’t you get the assignment?” Firstly, I’m already cheating. Secondly, you can’t just put one book. Patrick O’Brien does not  write plots, per se. He writes life. I feel like he has the ability to transport me back into time, turns me into a fly, and sticks me to a wall. The conversations are so real. There’s a lot of adventure, but the novels sort of flow one into the next without any real climax or resolution. It’s just history, and people, and how they sometimes pass in and out of one’s lives, sometimes dying or sometimes going through massive heartbreak or elation. Reading it was almost an out-of-body experience; it’s hard to explain, but I really got into these and all the amazing historical details of living through the Napoleonic wars. Most of all…. I likes me a bro-mance.

 The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

imagesNow, Mere Christianity basically rocked my world after college and helped round off my actually being a Christian, so that’s big. But nearly two decades before that point, I read this as a kid and, even though I was really young, the Christian symbolism wasn’t lost on me. I was about four when this book was read to me when I was a kid, and the notion of self-sacrifice was a huge thing to me. It pressed upon me notions of forgiveness and all that. Now, I appreciate it for it’s exceptional story-telling. This is not a long book, but I always feel so attached to the characters. It’s just down-and-dirty good-verse-evil stuff with excellent themes that still get me thinking to this day. If only I could make an allegory like that. Also, it was obvious that Lewis was making a Christian allegory, but I feel he did it without being exhausting or beating anyone over the head. I see a lot of people try to write allegories or make important points in books, and it sounds like nagging. CS new his stuff. That being said, the rest of the series was horrible.

 

I know, I know, there’s no spanking stories on the list. Certainly, I read a lot of them, and I re-read and re-read again some of them. Some of them will  arouse me, tantalize, excite, even change my outlook on sexuality a bit and get me curious to read more. Darla Phelps got me interested in Ageplay with ‘The Pets Series”, Laura Smith got me into threesomes with “The Sam McGee” series. So many authors in the spanking genre are beyond fabulous, and so many of them have also structured the way I write and the way I look at things. I think I chose these books because they opened my eyes, made huge adjustments to my writing style, and sometimes impacted my soul, lifestyle, or the way I saw the universe, or how I live my life.

Now, what would YOUR big ten be?

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Round Table Discussions – Domestic Discipline

By December 13, 2013 Domestic Discipline, Korey's Real Life

new_table_blueWelcome to the Round Table. I’ve lurked around the last couple, so I was happy to join in this time. Spanking Romance (a promotional site run by Renee Rose and funded by Blushing Books) sets it up, and each time it’s hosted by a different member of the community who keeps us on track and thinks of the discussion questions. It’s not easy, so I want to thank this Round Table’s hostess, Corinne Alexander upfront for doing an amazing job. She invited me personally, and I really thank her for reaching out to me and helping me get the guts to join this one, since I need an extra kick in the ass.

This round table discussion is about DD. Being in a DD relationship for 6 years has made me really excited about this issue and so interested in what the others will have to say. Remember, I write purely based on my own experiences, which have led to my current opinions and insights. All my opinions might be changed tomorrow, but my experiences won’t.

Experience has been a real eye-opener. See, when I was a preteen, I found out about DD and started to fantasize about it. Based on those fantasies, I decided that it was the type of relationship and lifestyle I wanted. I think I fantasized it to be the easiest lifestyle in the world, one that would make my life fall happily into place once it was implemented. My husband would conquer and tame me, we would never fight, and he would always be right, and I’d enjoy my punishments far more than I should.

That fantasy actually held strong for nearly ten years—in my defense, I lived very free from DDers or the kinkster community. I lived, and went to college in, Vanilla-ville, and certainly never brought up the topic with any of my friends.

My friends would have to be told what DD was before they could begin with their objections. And they would object. When I eventually told them about it, they wondered why on earth I’d fantasize about abuse (which was all DD was in their minds), eventually concluding that I was just extremely sexually depraved. Even today some of them still seem to think that James brainwashed me, even though they know I found him after I talked to them about it.

You see, when many vanillas look upon DD in terms of a long-term lifestyle, they see only potential negative consequences. Here’s what they’ll probably think the participants’ lives and roles in the relationship will look like in the future:

Head of Household (Top, Husband)

  • Can’t lose an argument. He’s always right.
  • Will get whatever he wants whenever he wants it—his wife is on his schedule.
  • Gets to make all the decisions, or at least the really big ones, without worrying about the wants/needs of his partner.
  • Has a way to smack someone around when having a bad day.

Submissive (Bottom, Wife)

  • Can’t get anything she wants.
  • Won’t get to make any decisions for herself or her family.
  • Her children or friends won’t be able to respect her when she’s simpering in front of her husband.
  • She won’t be able to have a career because her own career won’t influence any decisions made by her husband.
  • Loses her individuality and self-worth.
  • Thinks that everything is her fault and that she can’t do, nor does she deserve, better.

I totally understood why my friends were concerned, I just figured that they were 100% wrong and didn’t know what they were talking about—that I had the right of it. Later on, after meeting a lot of kinksters and those who want a DD relationship, I discovered that I wasn’t alone in my hopes, dreams, and beliefs surrounding the lifestyle. I think even in the community of people who know about DD, and who want to be in a similar relationship, many people think that DD has more power to change their lives than it does.

Vitruvian-Spanker

There is no perfect HoH. There are no perfect relationships. We all know this. Sometimes we do tend to set our expectations too high, hoping DD will solve issues that it simply cannot.

  • My husband was never going to make mistakes.
  • My husband was going to be taller than me by at least a foot, outweigh me by at least fifty pounds (of pure, solid muscle), and was going to be about ten times stronger. He was going to be super-smart, well-to-do, a natural leader. Even other men would be naturally submissive to him. I wouldn’t be able to fight him off when it came time for a spanking, and he would be strong enough to make me bend to his physical prowess.
  • My husband was going to be extremely disciplined himself in every aspect of life.
  • My husband would spank me only for life-endangering problems, unthoughtful pranks and hijinks, tantrums, and generally just going insane after my quarter-life crises during which I’d become less like myself and more like I-Love-Lucy.
  • My husband would never force me to do a chore if I was too tired.
  • My husband would never do anything to cause me worry or concern.
  • I was going to learn 5 languages, advanced art, lose more weight, eat better, live a healthier lifestyle, never lose any personal items again, never run out of gas in my car, and never forget to do anything for anyone, all to avoid a spanking.
  • That I was going to advance in my career quickly, since I couldn’t make any major mistake with my safety-net—err, I mean husband—there with “encouragement” and advice.
  • I would actually like spanking—he would know it, I would know it, so I would try to be as naughty as I could without him ever giving up “hope” on taming me with spanking.
  • He could make me cry without making me feel serious pain, getting an emotional change/reaction without any unpleasantness.
  • I wouldn’t have to ask him for a spanking… That might be so awkward and embarrassing! No, he’ll just spank me when I need it but only when I know deep down I deserve it.
  • He would never spank me when I was upset.

It was a tall order—and the weird thing is even when reality washed through, I ended up with a lot of my list! James is bigger and stronger than me, he can hold me down for a spanking, and he is the most smart, responsible, and dedicated man I know.

But I digress.

My experience quickly showed that I don’t actually like getting spanked—well, not for discipline. I will go to great lengths to avoid it, and neither of us get turned on by a real disciplinary spanking in real-time. (Later in the day or down the road we might look back on it and call it ‘hot’, but we really don’t think that at the time.)

And you know what? That’s the point! Discipline = Not Fun… but that’s the way it had to be for me for this to work. If he went around looking for reasons to spank me, or if I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to, this lifestyle would have been dead within months.

If James even took a fraction of the opportunities he’s come across to discipline me, I would probably have felt beaten down. I make a spanking-worthy mistake every other day! So, James now only spanks me for more extreme offenses. Things we’ve discussed before a million times, etc.

It would feel unfair to me that James never gets punished except that he holds himself steadfastly to a high standard. It’s hard to get angry at him, because he gets so apologetic and angry at himself when he messes up.

bigstock-Battle-Of-The-Sexes-4575010

If you don’t trust your partner to put your happiness first, then DD isn’t going to work. That’s the clincher. You need to be in a partnership, not a competition for who-can-be-most-happy.

That being said, we do fight. Discipline can’t always be pulled out to resolve conflict. And as with every relationship—there will be conflict. There will be angry words and tears and you will have to learn what not to say as well as what to say to make your relationship work. You have to learn to choose your battles and compromise. It’s hard work, and it’s worth it. But DD isn’t a procedure that anyone can perform on their marriage and it be a cure all, because in the wrong hands, or in the hands of people that have unrealistic expectations for their partner, DD can lead to an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.

The big mistake I was making in my initial DD fantasies was that I imagined the relationship would be completely focused on me—I would live for me, and the HoH would live for me.

You need to be living for each other’s happiness. If you can get happiness while your partner’s not happy, then DD is probably not for you. It can destroy your relationship. Even when your HoH disciplines, he can’t be happy about it. If he was happy about having to cause you unhappiness, you might have a situation on your hands. That’s not the recipe for a good DD relationship, or any good relationship at all.

But here’s the good news—in my experience, at least—about DD.

It can help you prove your trust & dedication for your partner.

Not a lot of couples have the ability to show their trust for each other in the way DD does and as often as it does. DD is one partner gaining power and responsibility from the other to do the right thing, and it’s acknowledged from both sides. Every time discipline is performed, the trust is refreshed—you give it over / receive it again. I think the frequency of this helps intimacy and the bond of a relationship as well as the self-confidence of the HoH and both get to show that they trust the strength of their bond, making it stronger each and every time.

It raises the standard.

James can make me be a better wife. He makes sure I do what I’ve agreed to do in our partnership and that I actually do what I’ve vowed to do, like be a good helpmate to him. However, he has to hold himself to a higher standard to be able to honestly believe he deserves the responsibility to discipline me—he always strives to be a better husband.

No retaliation.

We’ve all seen War of the Roses, but surprisingly a lot of people war with their husband in their own—normally less crazy—ways. “Oh, he bought himself a new car without asking me, so I get to buy this new wardrobe without telling him,” or “If she can’t be bothered to make dinner, then I’m not gonna bother to take out the trash.” I don’t have to deal with that. If what I did is bad enough, he should spank me. If it wasn’t so bad that he spanked me, then it’s not worth getting in a twist over. He should let it go—and he usually does—and then we move on. Me? All I have to do is say, “You wouldn’t let me do that!” and if it is true, James, horrorstruck, will normally concede. It’s actually quite freeing not having resentments brewing inside of us.

It’s quick!

Okay, when it comes to things that ‘resolve’ behavior, it’s done fast. I mean, for most things it’s less than five minutes of spanking. Resentment and disappointment normally last much longer.

I should probably add at this point that I think that those reasons alone are enough. We think it’s helped our relationship and our closeness, strengthening our friendship, partnership, and intimacy.

But do we think it’s for everyone? No. It’s all about personalities, individuals, and their own personal strengths and weaknesses. Masochists may need something other than spanking for discipline, for example. If one’s husband is having trouble disciplining himself with his money or responsibilities, then he might still be a fantastic, loving husband, but may not be the best candidate to be the HoH and the disciplinarian.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?!

This is a round-table discussion, so click on the links below to go to the next discussion about DD. For readers and lurkers, though, please comment! I never know what to comment myself, so if you’re stumped, here’s some questions!!

For those in a DD relationship, how does the reality of the relationship compare to what you anticipated beforehand? For those interested in DD, what would be your hopes, fears, and expectations in a DD relationship?

This is a Blog Hop!


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